I Wrote This . . .


Suspended firmly between before beginning and
after end I sway gently between what was, what is, and
what might have been.

What might have been -
calling me back to centuries gone by,
to dusty memories and personalities peeking out from
dead documents and books on shelves, whispering
you were here, you belong to us.

What was -
running through years in exclamation points!
always marching to the different drummer, out of step,
rebel, black sheep.
Marriage! Seven painful; joyful labors!
Incest! Divorce!
therapy
seven black sheep spirits looking for a parent
800 pounds of potatoes in one year
spaghetti on the ceiling
table on the floor making bread.
And more joy
called “The Rejects from Sesame Street Basketball Team” when all seven are together;
Five Amazonian Women putting shoulders together to erase scars to our home.
Missions: Korea, Brazil, Mexico, Germany, New York.
Dr. Amy has cancer
Business BS: Penny marries an Alaskan
Aaron computer nerd, marries a Mexican who won’t speak English, or
says she can’t learn.
Unspeakable closeness to the next generation!
and

What is -
a tree trunk, scarred, damaged, but thriving - roots planted deep,
allowing branches to grow, sway, bend and feel the nurturing of the whole.

to the world, Invisible, content neutral, so after contact they can say
“I did it myself!”

Brain craving new learning, heart yearning for serving,
emotion sealed deep within, hidden!
only leaking forth at times of measured exuberance:
joy in another’s epiphany, vicarious fulfillment.

Empty waiting to be filled, filled waiting to be emptied.
Waiting -
for the after end
and home.

God Bless us Everyone!

ENDORPHINS . . . . You don't know how good they are until you miss them. Or Saga of the Broken Treadmill

No! Endorphins may sound fishy, but they are not. After eons of having a working treadmill, and establishing a walking habit this last Spring, and then being joined in walking by Dave, the treadmill "bogged down".

Sears Repair Men after we waited three hours, called and said it was undoubtedly really broken and could not be fixed without spending $400 to $800 so shopping we went for the next couple of days. No one knows very much about treadmills, even those who sell them.

Tired and discouraged I came home and surfed, finding the TreadMillDr and his troubleshooting link. The top four causes of a "bogged down" treadmill are . . . . none of which cost a lot of money to fix.

So tinkering, with tongue in cheek, we fiddled, and fixed the treadmill.

While we were without I fussed around the house trying to figure out where my joy went.

Why couldn't I just maintain positiveism? What was wrong?

Yesterday I walked and the positiveism and endorphins came back and there joy was hiding in my feet, or treadmill or hanging around just above it.

What you don't notice, while you have it, can be extremely important.

POTPOURRI

I love words. The way they roll around your tongue and screw up your mouth and spit and gurgle. Pot pour e is one of them and this post is too.

DAVE

Admitted to UVSC and jumped through all the hoops, and watched small miracles rain on his desired actions for fall. Even in Dillingham he is making adjustments that will help him accomplish the things he wants to do. The adjustment from driving solitary and working on land with co-workers has been an interesting one. He is getting his land legs back, has lost twenty pounds, and is getting attention from the girls - who told Jeannea they won't share him. Way to go in the self esteem area, Dave.

MAY 30th at 3:51 pm

I became a grandmother, Aaron and Mari became father and mother, 6 kidlets became aunts and an uncle, and a Great Aunt and a Great-Grandmother. Who ever thought there could be so many changes by one birth. I could hardly believe the difference it made in me. Maybe something about roots and branches. With mom and dad gone, things have not seemed complete until I held little Amy. I wonder if there is a three generation balance that makes us comfortable. Now I feel things are complete. My children are finished, but I can nurture and care for lil Amy sometimes, it gives me purpose again. Mothering at a distance.

My visit with Aaron was a mixed bag, mostly good. It is very hard to communicate with Mari, she doesn't speak English, and the cultural differences in our personalities are stark. Genealogy saved my mouth from eating foot. But I know I frustrated Aaron by taking over his computer. I remembered a lot of mothering skills from twenty-six years ago; like holding a baby on my chest and stroking and breathing with her, and getting her to sleep. I also seem to remember a lot of burps, farts and tummy aches with the 7 plagges. Just like LilAmy.

Great Aunt Anna and Greg were radiant. We asked them to be godparents. None of us know what godparents do, but they were honored and accepted. Anna was in the delivery room and she cried when the baby was born, "you don't understand," she told me, "this is the first time I have ever seen anything like this." Aaron said he felt the spirit strongly when she was born. I love his spirituality. Anna also revealed that, try as she could, she didn't like to hold, or fuss over children - even the ones she considers her neices and nephews; until that is, lilAmy was born. Watching her you can tell how much she loves this little girl.

Aaron

At church several people told me what a great man he is. I watched him with Mari; he is quiet and gentle, never raises his voice, he was so intune with Mari that he heard her summon him when I heard nothing; but he jumped and ran to meet her need without anger or impatience. No he is not perfect. But, remembering the story his elementary grade school teacher told me; how when a classmate was mean to him, he removed himself from the situation "until she felt better. Or in the D&C like Edward Partridge or Nathaniel of old, in whom there is no guile. A couple of times I thought I saw, years from now what a peaceful home he would have.

He was cogitating (one of those words) about some pretty heavy stuff and Mari and he don't seem to be able to do significant brainstorming very well. 1) we will have to move when the lease is up, either into a two bedroom apartment here or closer to Anna. 2) with the gas prices the way they are and campus near the apartment and work near Anna, shouldn't we either move toward the job and change campuses or find another job near this campus and where we live. All the possibilities! I think we talked for two days.

And then the miracles began. Little ones. Answers.

Greg and Anna strongly counseled not to leave GoDaddy, which is a Fortune 100 company and can give Aaron more money, promotions and great security. It is amazing, Greg said, that Aaron got on in the first place.

Next we looked at Bachelor degrees. Comparing the two: simulations and programming. Anna counseled that Aaron do what he is passionate about. Both degrees are the same length, almost. It looks like the general education for both programs is the same and there is a possibility that Aaron can complete those courses, near GoDaddy, near Anna and at the Mesa campus. Then he would finish the degree at the Phoenix campus and the driving would be the same as it is now, only different.

While nothing really changed, Aaron said it was good to think it all through, and that he felt good with the plan. We made arrangements for them to come to Provo for the Kuzins Kampout, and bless the baby in Aspen 10th Ward. Grandma wants to bragg. We talked about them coming again in December for Christmas with everyone here, even Penny and Greg. I want it of course so I can hold my granddaughter again. I want the whole family to hold her and get to know the new treasure that bonds us as a family.

KANGEN Miracle WATER or Devistation.

Water will have to wait. I had planned to tell the whole story, but got to work this morning and found an e-mail waiting that informed me that a cousin, Dave Partridge [ we used to play ball with them when we lived in West Jordan, remember the picnics and the . . .] 's daughter and her daughter ( his 10 year old grand daughter) were found murdered last night. Dave's daughter married had two girls 10 years and 7 years and then divorced the father. A year ago she began living with a man who had custody of his 1 year old daughter. He was violent and threatened. He killed her, the 10 year old (Dave convinced the 7 year old to come and stay with him), his baby and himself. Evidently it happened Saturday night and they just found them Tuesday night. Dave, and family are devistated.

How lucky we are, inspite of cancer and miscarriages and diabetes, to not have this kind of horror in our lives. I will be saving a news clipping in the family history program and going to the funeral, of course.

This family has had such trauma. The father was sexually abusive to his daughter. One child became a lesbian and then changed back. One went to prison for manslaughter. One was addicted to drugs and recovered. A brother died last year - was riding his ATV and somehow it flipped on top of him, another brother died of an illness, etc. Strength of family is the most precious attitribe when it comes to surviving.

WHAT's UP NOW

They found out who the identity theft was - a window washer who has since gone to Las Vegas, with my $600. But they swore out a warrant for his arrest and according to the detective, "We'll get him."

Lowrey Garage Doors is having an "Ugly Garage Door" contest. We're entering, cross your fingers for me.

Class is almost over. I think maybe I am too old to take classes for credit. It's been fun but I am feeling the same stress I felt when I was really in school at the end of a semester. A collegue told me about some course CDs they have in the library. I could listen to them while I am doing family history and learn something. A bright idea! Yet, I have already signed up for a summer class on the weekend. 8-12 Saturdays for 8 weeks. "Learning, Cognition and Memory" Boy, books are expensive.

I found a well-researched document of 458 pages on one of the Plagge lines. I just have to transcribe the information we need now to add. What an exciting thing! If I keep finding things God will probably never let me die. Sheri is on her way to Seattle this weekend so I will be all alone. Hummmm. Is that good or not. ;) ;(

So, other than a final this Thursday, a presentation next Thursday, all is well. Tra la la la la.

In case you didn't know, the Mount Olympus Stake - the building you used to walk through grandpa's back yard to get to - the one we have a time lapse video of being built - is having a 30 year celebration on April 26th, 2008.

Well, they invited all the family. Aunts, uncles, kuzins, etc. Somehow the only address they had was Krystal's and therefore Carol's. Carol sent an email telling everyone to plan for it. About the later part of March we get an email from Bill asking why he was not informed, didn't they want members of his family to attend? - I sent an email telling him to quit whining.

The individual letters came just a week ago, one to Bill, Dianne, Carol and me. The last paragraph stated that they would like to have a member of the family speak for 5-7 minutes telling about dad's accomplishments when he was stake president. Dianne said Bill should be the family representative. I said Carol should. I should have kept my mouth shut.
Emails between Bill and Carol and Dianne went totally misunderstood. Carol didn't want to be told she had to do it - as she is suffering from a giant laundry list of physical, emotional and psychological problems. Bill called Carol and said he didn't want to get up there and make a fool of himself, indicating Carol could make a fool of herself. Dianne suggested that they team -talk- together and Bill hated the idea. Neither one of them understood what the other was saying. Carol said she wanted to crawl through the phone and strangle Bill. Dianne was being bombarded with mistatements from both of them and feeling strangled. Carol said if Bill and Dianne and I and she couldn't get along she wished we would just stay home and she and her kids would be the representatives. At this point, I think I would like to stay home.

Personality theory suggests, according to several theorists, that until people reach their best self, they are still not grown up. In looking at Bill and Carol, I don't believe they have become their ultimate, grown up self. But, then I fall short of mine. It is a constant struggle to keep emotion from destroying the moment and hurting someone. However, it amazes me how petty they can be. Not excusing the other for miscommunicated or misunderstood statements. It makes being together with them a distasteful experience. I don't particularly want to attend the program on the 26th or the kuzins kampout - But maturity said I should remember that they are still in many ways small children striking out at each other, and I should be older than what they are.

In trying to fix my anger at stupid students, I found that too often I react in response to their anger, instead of being in control of the situation and being full of love, patient and soothing toward them. I also find that I have more difficulty when I am tired, ill, hungry or otherwise emotionally unhealthy. Wish I could be emotionally and physicall well all the time. None of us are.

If you understand that I am often tired, achy, and basically crabby and thus emotional, and that when I am this way I am trying very hard NOT to be like my mother or my siblings, then maybe you will forgive me for being reclusive. And, I will try to communicate more in a manner that is safe for me -- this one.

I am so grateful that those people who shared their first twenty plus years with me do not have the problems my brother and sisters do. It is a pleasure to share space occasionally with each of them.

So I don't blog enough; so you want to know more; well, I have to admit I love reading what you have written so maybe I'll try this more - then again, since I am old enough to wear red - maybe, I'll forget.

April just blew in - 3-4 inches of snow on the 31st of March. We've had a busy three plus months. Jeannea has been down to clean three times and I spent a week in Washington. Sara left for Seattle and then Anchorage this month. Dave is making plans to attend Utah Valley University this fall for a technical degree in drafting.

I decided to take classes since they only cost me pennies, and this semester it is Personality Theory. Summer Saturdays for 8 weeks will be Learning, Cognition and Memory. It has been fun razzing the teacher, making my mind write papers and learning. I conned the teacher into letting me write an extra credit paper about the most correct personality theory - mine.

I was put on notice with my yearly evaluation that I needed to be nicer to students again. I am really looking forward to retiring. Just can't decide on the day: my 65th birthday or . . . .

Met with Tash and Dianne yesterday to get Tash comfortable with UVU - which happens on the 1st of July. I hope just because they renamed the school, they won't forget my raise, if I get one.

Oh yea, you should know that I experienced a taste of identity invasion. Someone, Brokk Margtts got a hold of a check of mine, wrote a check for $600. and went to the American Fork Branch of Family First Credit Union and cashed it. What a shock!! Hoops to jump through, provisionary funds in my bank. What a weird week, and tiring too.

The Lost Summer

This summer because without changing eating habits I gained 30 lbs in one month. I gave in to doctor recommendations. 1) "They" put me on insulin - shots for diabetes depending on the level of my blood sugar. I have to prick and record daily how high it is. I can’t keep it low no matter how little I eat. Shots aren’t fun. I have (re) lost the 30 pounds.

2) "They" decided I should do a sleep test, finger first, and found that at night at times I only get 50% of the oxygen my body needs thus causing, startled wake ups multiple times during the night, night sweats, headaches in the morning. A "sleep study" and results and "they" recommend a chin strap to keep my mouth shut, and a CPAP that makes me look like Darth Vader at night but keeps me breathing at recommended levels.

Trying to do better, be better and get better, I purchased expensive compression hose to keep the water from collecting in my legs and help me treat the constant pain on the bottom of my right foot that moves from side to side and top to bottom without the covering or creams.
The above events coupled with skin cancer at the right eye resulting in bills, after insurance I must pay eating up my small savings, or the insulin, affected my depression medication. Tears and anger struggling to be constantly pleasant and positive and keep my emotions under wraps has made me tired. "They" gave me a new anti-depressant but it takes a while to work effectively.

When Sheri purchased a truck from Brent Brown, the bend over backwards guy, I got to be co-signer. I never trust a salesman. This one was particularly smooth. Things went wrong and on Tuesday afternoon in good form, I bantered with her salesman, his comment with pouty face, "I feel like I am being attacked, I think I will step out" sent me over the edge. I got up and walked out. True to form I chatted with any other anonymous salesman outside where I was seated. One said something about excellent service, and I said "that more than we are getting"
Wednesday Sheri was told that they would no longer do business with her because her mother was badmouthing a salesman, unless her mother would write a letter of apology. Depression in full swing I pounded out a weepy, apology and cried all the way home.

Now it is the day after, there are a few tears, nausea, headache, but I went to three movies with Jeannea yesterday and it is almost noon. September is knocking and fall wants in. May it be more gentle than summer.